If you have ever been in an unhealthy relationship (and quite frankly who hasn’t?) then you know that almost nothing causes more stress. Being in an unhealthy relationship adversely affects every other aspect of our lives.

This is the second of a three-part series. In part 1, I suggested that the cornerstone of healthy relationships is communication, and I said that without trust communication is impossible. I also introduced the “Platinum Rule;” that is, building trust by treating people the way they want to be treated. As opposed to the “Golden Rule,” which is treating people the way we want to be treated.

I first heard of the Platinum Rule when I was working as a corporate consultant in the mid ‘90s for a company called Persona. What attracted me to Persona was their Persuasive Communicator series of products, which I would come to find out, was based on Charles Osgood’s work in the 1950s at the University of Illinois. Mr. Osgood suggested that we all instantly and subconsciously upon meeting someone new ask ourselves two questions, and based upon how we answer these questions we can identify a person’s preferred communication style.

At Persona we adapted this very useful bit of information to the business environment – that way a manager or salesperson could adapt the information they wanted to convey in a way that would most readily be accepted and understood.

I would like to take just a couple of minutes to give you just the briefest of descriptions of what continues even after 50 years to be studied and applied in business today and is typically at least an 8-hour workshop for Persona clients. Very simply, what you’re doing with Charles Osgood’s two questions is gauging a person’s observable behaviors.

Question 1) How much is this person trying to control me?

Imagine you are using a horizontal line to gauge how much the person is trying to control you, with a lot to the left of the line and not to the right.

Question #2) How much emotion does this person give off, including body language? You then use a vertical line to measure how much emotion this person is giving off, with a lot at the top of the line and not at the bottom.

The more grey area you can conceptualize when answering these questions, the more you will be able to customize your message.

After answering these two questions what you have are two imaginary intersecting lines that make four areas: top left area is high control/high emotional; bottom left area is high control/low emotional; top right area is low control/high emotional, and bottom right area is low control/low emotional. Each of these four areas represents a person’s preferred communication style, the one they feel most comfortable with. In other words, the one they have the least resistance to. The idea being that speaking to somebody in the language that they’re most comfortable with reduces their defensiveness and builds trust.

We are all at least a little bit of all these styles, but the point is we have preferred styles and depending on how you answered the control and emotion questions, you now have access to valuable information that allows you, if you want to, to treat a person the way they prefer to be treated and that is the essence of The Platinum Rule. The Golden Rule of treating people the way we want to be treated works great provided everyone wants to be treated like we do, but we know from experience that is not always the case

There were general behaviors that almost all healthy people respond to favorably:

Reliability-doing what we say we will do when we say we will do it.

Openness- telling the whole story even if the story is uncomfortable; openness is also means freely giving and receiving feedback.

Acceptance-what Buddhist call “right speech” – not criticizing or putting someone down.

Also Honesty-saying what you mean and meaning what you say.

Again, Persona’s curriculum is specifically designed to help people foster healthy relationships with people that they’ve just met. To more specifically help you apply the Platinum Rule to your current relationships, I have two more questions for you.

This exercise is an exercise designed to get at the specific actions that build trust inside existing relationships and it’s most beneficial when done by both you and whomever you wish to have a healthier relationship.

These questions come in the form of sentence completions.

Question #1) I feel loved, cared for, or appreciated…when you and that’s when you fill in the blank with a specific behavior…

Specifics are the key here, to say something like I feel loved when you adore me is too general – what specific behaviors can your friend, partner or family member do that when they do them you feel loved, cared about and appreciated?

When teaching this exercise to my students, one of the big fears was that whatever this behavior was going to be, it was going to be something huge, expensive. It doesn’t have to be that way, and typically it’s not. When I did this exercise with my wife a few years back, some of my answers were “I feel loved when you empty the dishwasher” – that’s pretty specific. Now when I see the empty dish rack, my wife is not only telling me she loves me, she is showing me.

This takes the guesswork out of relationships. I have known my wife for over 25 years, and even after all that time I don’t guess right enough to enjoy doing it. This also helps to avoid the all too common experience of someone putting a great deal of effort into organizing a date or an event only to find out that their efforts would have been better appreciated if they had been more in line with the friend, partner or family member’s preferences.

Question 2) Again a sentence completion- I feel unloved, disrespected, or taken for granted when you and this where you fill in the blank with a specific behavior again.

I can’t emphasize enough how important specifics are in this exercise! What are the specific behaviors you want your friend, partner or family member to stop doing, because when they do them you feel unloved, uncared for or disrespected?

I want you to pay particular attention to the way they these sentence completions are worded: “I feel, when you”

I feel keeps the responsibility for our feelings where they belong, with ourselves, and it keeps us out of the denial, projection, blame game and the When you keeps the responsibility for your friend, partner of family members behavior where it belongs, with them.

When you are actively seeking to make your relationships healthier and you are involved with someone who is doing likewise, this kind of information is invaluable. So it’s important that both you and your friend, partner of family member complete both of these sentences and after you finish the sentences, be sure to share them.

Magic can and does happen! Specifics and Practice are what encourages positive results!

But what if you are not in that type of relationship – what if you’re willing, but your friend, partner or family member is not? In our next podcast I will share with you a technique for having those difficult conversations, and a process that puts you back in control of your life should you find yourself involved with someone who is either unwilling or unable to function in healthy relationships.

That is next month at optimisismisaskill.com